The Fake Smile
July 30th, 2008 | 
Author: I just don’t have it in me today, right from the get go i could not face getting out of bed . I wanted to snuggle up under the covers and pretend none of this is real. I just could not face going to the hospital and facing another day of bad news.
I did go though ,in the end Rebecca is my girl and im not going to stay away . The need to kiss her and breath in her sent was just to strong.
“CT Scans, Brain bleeds, EEG’s , Fits , Blood Transfusions, Erratic Blood Pressure and Heartbeat, Immune Issues , Red Blood Cells, Anemia ” . All words used in conjunction with Rebecca today.
Its not been an easy day, they thought she may have been fitting during the night so arranged the CT scans to see if anything was wrong - thankfully everything there came back great, no sign of any damage or bleeds or that she was fitting before. They also done the EEG but we don’t have the results for that yet.
The scan of her kidneys came back normal, the blood in her urine is thankfully clearing up nicely.
Of course the issues don’t end there, they think there is something about her blood. Im not great at remembering everything but its something to do with the red blood cells being attacked . She is now anemic and will more than likely need a blood transfusion soon as her hemoglobin levels keep dropping . Again this could be something to do with the Pneumonia or may be separate issue altogether . The doctors themselves are not to sure , she keeps throwing curve balls at as all and they have declared her a “mystery”
I have been feeling in a pretty dark place today, i can no longer be cheery and happy and don’t want to be around anyone. I just don’t have the energy to put on a brave face and pretend everything is going to be fine.
I know noone would expect me to, but i do. I don’t want to scare and worry people and if the mother seems happy then things cannot be that bad can they? In reality Rebecca is one sick little girl and each day im getting more and more frightened . I can no longer stop my mind from wandering to that forbidden place . Each day something new is being discovered and what if her body cannot take it anymore ? What if its all part of a much bigger problem?
No one has gave the slightest indication that she will not make it through all this , and both DH and i avoid asking . Everyone seems hopeful and optimistic but today i just can not feel this way. Im just down right terrified , i cannot imagine life without my little girl and we all need her back .
Im hoping tomorrow we will receive nothing but good news and we can start looking at the situation positively again.
Posted in Uncategorized
July 30th, 2008 3:46 pm
Oh Laura. (((huge hugs)))
I just wish I could do something to help.
Been thinking of Rebecca lots. Lots of love to you all .xxx
July 30th, 2008 3:55 pm
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July 30th, 2008 5:01 pm
Even though there are thousands of miles between us, please let me know if I can help at all. I’ve been thinking of all of you and praying for Rebecca and your whole family. I hope tomorrow I’ll see an update filled with good news. ((big hugs))
July 30th, 2008 5:18 pm
Praying that tomorrow brings you all lots of good news. You don’t have to put on a smile…or even a brave face. Your baby is sick, and you are allowed to feel how you want to. Will be thinking of you and your family.
July 30th, 2008 5:41 pm
hug hug hug hug love you and my heart is with you hag hug hugxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
July 30th, 2008 6:23 pm
I am so sorry your little girl is having such a rough go of it. I wish I was closer, I’d give you a huge hug, as mommies have rough times too.
July 30th, 2008 8:05 pm
I am thinking of you guys as well. I am sending hugs to all of you. I hope your little girl gets better soon and by the way, you are allowed to feel down..it makes such sense but just know we are all here for you.
July 30th, 2008 8:26 pm
You don’t need to put on a brave face. Just feel what you feel. And know that there are people out there that you don’t even “know” who are praying for your little girl and you.
July 30th, 2008 8:50 pm
I can’t imagine what your family is going through. I’m so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to help. Please let me know if there is. I will continue praying for Rebecca and your whole family. Hopefully the mystery will be solved very soon.
July 31st, 2008 7:46 am
I know I probably say it in every comment, but I’m SO SORRY you’re having to go through this. Poor little Rebecca. Hopefully, once this is all over she won’t remember most of it. I pray that all is worked out very, very soon!!
July 31st, 2008 8:27 am
Oh God, Laura. I am SO very sorry. I just don’t know what to say. I hope and pray that Rebecca will get better VERY soon. I can’t imagine how scared you are. You don’t have to put on a fake smile for anyone; feel how you’re feeling. Your daughter is VERY sick, and you’re allowed to feel however you want. PRAYING for you.
July 31st, 2008 8:37 am
(((((((hugs)))))))
July 31st, 2008 8:40 am
Hey hun i have been praying every day fo ryour family and your sweet sweet girl. I know it is so hard to look on the bright side when darkness seems to hunt you down. She is strong and i just know that she will be ok. I can never imagine being in your situation and how frustrating as a mother it must be to not be able to fix it yourself. If you need anything at all just let me know. I may be thousands of miles away but even a virtutal hug may be all you need to help lift your spirits. Im there.
July 31st, 2008 9:23 am
Oh Laura, I’m so so sorry. My heart goes out to you I wish so badly I was there to just hug you or help out or anything you needed. Rebecca and you and your family are deeply in my thoughts and prayers. *hugs* Please remember to take care of you too. You are such a strong person, but you can’t be that every minute. Rest and recharge, if that’s possible. I can’t even imagine how scary it must all be. I am so hoping and praying you will have good news soon.
Steph
July 31st, 2008 2:48 pm
Im praying for you guys! I am so sorry you have to go through this. I wished we lived closer so I could try and help out somehow.
July 31st, 2008 3:02 pm
Hoping and praying things start to look up and your lil girl is back home with you soon!
July 31st, 2008 3:05 pm
HUGS HUGS AND MORE HUGS!!!!!!
We are all praying and thinking of you and your ENTIRE family. I hope tomorrow brings better news. Poor baby…Let us know if there is anything we can do.
July 31st, 2008 3:21 pm
Oh Laura! I cannot even imagine how scared and overwhelmed and exhausted you must be. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of it. I am so, SO sorry. You have been so strong and steadfast through all of this…but it’s okay to not always be that person. It’s okay to let yourself feel, and let your family support you this time. You can’t be all things to all people, and you need to take care of yourself, too. You, Becca, Craig, Eilidh and the baby have been in my thoughts all week long, and in my prayers. I hope praying with every fiber of my being for an end to bad news and a quick recovery for your sweet girl. Hugs!!!