Synchronization of Us

My 3 at 5 months, im actually surprised at how much they all look alike. Aww i love them all

It appears the boy somehow got to be a whole 5 months old . Honestly i have no idea how that happened - im blinking and missing everything . The little rascal got up on all fours today and went backwards !!!

Looking so big in his new highchair (no solids yet just letting him join us at the dinner table , he always wanted up on my knee when we were eating)

Looking even bigger in his Bob the Builder Pjs

And a quick mummy and her boy shot (he is in his sling)

Im so grateful for all your kind words and suggestions, thankfully his fussiness appears to have passed - to those who dealt with it on a long term basis hats off to you . It was really only a few days and i was close to losing it. Sleeping well ….its still not so great - if we are lucky he may go a 3 hour stretch during the night but for the most part is waking every hour or 2 for a feed. This will pass (and soon i freaking hope lol) . Lucky he is so cute

Also this week Eils has decided this its a great time to quit napping . I don’t actually mind at weekends or when Rebecca is not in nursery, plus she is at playgroup 2 afternoons a week so has not napped on those days for a while. I will miss my other days off - mind you for the moment on Tuesdays and Thursdays im going to try putting her down for a “quiet time” and on Fridays we will go to the library. On the plus side she is sleeping for about 6.30 most nights . Dh and i also celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary.

And just cause she is cute, couple of pics from walking home from library time yesterday

As hubby so kindly pointed out the other night i have been the biggest grouch lately . I tried to pass it off with im tired/stressed but at the core he really is correct . He makes jokes and i bite his head off, he cannot seem to do anything right - im so quick to get annoyed at him and the kids.

Im so blessed with my 3 miracles, i love each of them in ways i cannot describe but there also HARD work . The girls seem to constantly fight and Ru never seems happy.

Eilidh is also misrable these days , everything causes her to cry and she is waking at least once every nigth breaking her heart . Ru is in a horrible pattern at night of waking and feeding (i sleep while he is feeding) then crying till he goes back down (he will not sleep with me) - 15 minutes later he wakes again.

Today Ru at least seemed better and took 2 long naps (one for 3 hours and another for 3.5) , im really hoping it was a growth spurt and he will no longer be so grumpy.

Even when the kids are fine i find its taken its toll on me. One of them always needs something from me and the housework always need done . Im so scared of people thinking i cannot cope and taken them away from me.

I love them all, i love my life and im so blessed to be a stay at home mum . I don’t think i have PND ,  don’t feel depressed in the slightest - its more feeling constantly stressed and tired.

I need to get out this funk , need to stop worrying and taken it out on my hubby. I need to stop feeling jealous of him with his full night sleeps and days away from the chaos . As he pointed out i choose to breastfeed and choose to be a stay at home mum . I also know these days will not last forever , i need to try and enjoy it before there gone for good

It seems Ru is a non happy baby these days, he spends alot of his time screaming/crying /being completly misrable . Im exhasted and feel as if my emotions have taken a real battering.

Last night at one point i just let him lie in my lap screaming and cried along with him. Some nights and days it goes on for hours and we are all clueless how to help him. He is not sleeping enough, refusing naps and staying up all night.

He is starting again….i just want to run away

Any idea how hard it is to get 4 kids to sit still and let me take a picture? I was trying to get a decent shot of all grandkids for my parents. I failed but we all had fun

And another two just cause i like them.

I just love the expression on Ru’s face here

And the kids all freshly washed and just out a bath

I completely forgot just how full of milestones this age was, it seems every day is bringing something new with my boy. I love how one day they cannot do something and the next day they are an old pro.

In the last week Ru has learnt to sit up with support , he can hold it for ages.

He has also discovered his feet, he tries his hardest to get them in his mouth but i think his legs are to long or something as he struggled with it. Toes still make the greatest toy EVER.

Aren’t they all adorable? The kids are so lucky to have such a wonderful Auntie that they see all the time , she adores them and they LOVE her. Isn’t my sister looking great?

This picture was taken this time last year (she is the blond one)

(Hope you don’t mind me posting that kid)

I imagine that growing up with 2 big sisters it will not be the first time Ru is made to wear a Tiara . For this time anyway he was so not impressed.

Yes i let my 2 and 3 year old make there own lunches, whats the big deal At least its only sandwiches

I try to not write or talk to much about the events of the summer, after all its been months and life has changed so much since then.
I keep expecting to forget about it, when Rebecca was a baby i found this easy to do. Within weeks of having her home life was normal ,months passed and we all forgot she had ever been sick.
This time around its different, i still get paralysed with that fear of losing her. I replay the situations over and over - the moments at home when she could not breath and the fear in her eyes as she got more and more upset - how tired she was getting and stopping eating .
Moments at the hospital stick out to vividly , how on admittance it was just to keep an eye on her. It was nothing, we were just being silly and all of a sudden the nurses were panicking as her heart rate when crazy. How can i forget holding her tiny body tightly for them to do breathing treatments as she cried and called for us so frightened ? At times she seemed so not with it , looking back how could we not tell she was so seriously ill ? . If we had waited just a few more days to take her in who knows what the outcome may have been.
Then that terrible , horrible moment when we found her on the ventilator again, noone told us and we expected to find out daughter awake and just coming out of surgery . Instead she was in a induced coma with machines keeping her alive , its was weeks till we got to hold her again.
How many times in the Intensive care unit did we hold he hand as her cheast was suctioned and she cried and fought against it ? How many times did we have to hold her still to stop her pulling at the machinery? How many times did we watch her eyes fill with tears ?
She was terrified , anyone could see that - im so grateful that the drugs she was on means she more than likely will not remember any of it . I will never forget a moment of those days , still now i find it hard to say or even think the “d” word but at times it was scarily close . I have no idea how to deal with that .
How i can forget the memory of her hallucinating and lashing out as she went through drug withdrawal ? How i can forget watching her tiny body unable to move as she was so weak? How can i forget the horror of holding her down and forcing medicine after medicine down her throat …then again How can i forget that wonderful feeling of holding her and bringing her home?

I think in many ways our family changed so much over the summer, Rebecca has never been quite the same since and neither have i . I let her away with way to much , i get mad and feel such a guilt about it . I feel horrible denying her anything, she is to brave and has been through to much .
Every day and night i think we could of lost her , we could be raising our children to remember there sister rather than to admire and love her. Im hoping time really will heel all wounds and as the years passes the past summer will become nothing more that an unpleasant memory.

Yes this was brought on by Rebecca’s hospital appointment yesterday, just being in that place brings back memories (like a tiny step i sat on while breaking bad news to my mum, she was at work and i called crying able to get very little out before having to go) . Everywhere is to familiar.
The appointment was basic, quick and nothing exciting. Her recovery has been wonderful , she is now a healthy and happy very normal three year old . She weighs 31.7lbs and is almost 37 inch tall . Her voice is much stronger and she no longer gets out of breath running around. Her surgeon was very happy at how she has changed. No more surgery, no more worries. To go back in twelve months for another check up and she is able to stop her medication. Just what we wanted to hear.

I guess things will not always be this raw, now the check up is over and medication has stopped life will really be able to return to normal