So Not Over It

I try to not write or talk to much about the events of the summer, after all its been months and life has changed so much since then.
I keep expecting to forget about it, when Rebecca was a baby i found this easy to do. Within weeks of having her home life was normal ,months passed and we all forgot she had ever been sick.
This time around its different, i still get paralysed with that fear of losing her. I replay the situations over and over – the moments at home when she could not breath and the fear in her eyes as she got more and more upset – how tired she was getting and stopping eating .
Moments at the hospital stick out to vividly , how on admittance it was just to keep an eye on her. It was nothing, we were just being silly and all of a sudden the nurses were panicking as her heart rate when crazy. How can i forget holding her tiny body tightly for them to do breathing treatments as she cried and called for us so frightened ? At times she seemed so not with it , looking back how could we not tell she was so seriously ill ? . If we had waited just a few more days to take her in who knows what the outcome may have been.
Then that terrible , horrible moment when we found her on the ventilator again, noone told us and we expected to find out daughter awake and just coming out of surgery . Instead she was in a induced coma with machines keeping her alive , its was weeks till we got to hold her again.
How many times in the Intensive care unit did we hold he hand as her cheast was suctioned and she cried and fought against it ? How many times did we have to hold her still to stop her pulling at the machinery? How many times did we watch her eyes fill with tears ?
She was terrified , anyone could see that – im so grateful that the drugs she was on means she more than likely will not remember any of it . I will never forget a moment of those days , still now i find it hard to say or even think the “d” word but at times it was scarily close . I have no idea how to deal with that .
How i can forget the memory of her hallucinating and lashing out as she went through drug withdrawal ? How i can forget watching her tiny body unable to move as she was so weak? How can i forget the horror of holding her down and forcing medicine after medicine down her throat …then again How can i forget that wonderful feeling of holding her and bringing her home?

I think in many ways our family changed so much over the summer, Rebecca has never been quite the same since and neither have i . I let her away with way to much , i get mad and feel such a guilt about it . I feel horrible denying her anything, she is to brave and has been through to much .
Every day and night i think we could of lost her , we could be raising our children to remember there sister rather than to admire and love her. Im hoping time really will heel all wounds and as the years passes the past summer will become nothing more that an unpleasant memory.

Yes this was brought on by Rebecca’s hospital appointment yesterday, just being in that place brings back memories (like a tiny step i sat on while breaking bad news to my mum, she was at work and i called crying able to get very little out before having to go) . Everywhere is to familiar.
The appointment was basic, quick and nothing exciting. Her recovery has been wonderful , she is now a healthy and happy very normal three year old . She weighs 31.7lbs and is almost 37 inch tall . Her voice is much stronger and she no longer gets out of breath running around. Her surgeon was very happy at how she has changed. No more surgery, no more worries. To go back in twelve months for another check up and she is able to stop her medication. Just what we wanted to hear.

I guess things will not always be this raw, now the check up is over and medication has stopped life will really be able to return to normal