I hate this feeling , i really really hate it. You must know what i mean, the feeling of waiting and not knowing the path your life is going to take.
Things for lack of better words suck around here just now, our tax credits got cut of in the summer and we have been struggling to survive with a 3rd of our income gone each month. The hole is getting bigger and bigger and this month we are living off fresh air.
Things should get better over the next few weeks, the tax credit people said it should finally be sorted come the end of the month and with a little magic we should be able to clear the backlog .
Things are still not going to be completely hunky dory , i really should be looking for a job but what about the kids? Even if i was lucky enough to get the full childcare help would i be able to find a place that would take all 3? . I think come the new year i will have to really start searching and deal with the childcare issue when it comes to it.
While i should be wondering how the heck we are going to afford food next week i am selfishly thinking about me and my studying. Two month now i have been doing my access course and i love it , i love the studying and challenges. I love having something that is mine , i was doing this for me and it felt amazing . Even when getting frustrated with the work i was in heaven. My application for university was all ready, just needed to finish the unit i was working on and then i could get my reference and send it away. Sure it is a little late this year now and chances would of been so slim of me getting in but it would of been a good way to get some feedback on why i was rejected (plus a tiny part of me thought what if?) .
I cannot afford to pay it this month , i have no idea if i will be able to continue or not . If i leave i have no idea if i will be able to start up again, total price has went up quite alot since i first signed on. I have done nothing in over a week, i just cannot face it as it seems pointless . Im so conflicted as i feel so horrible taken £46 a month that we cannot afford to spend on myself ,but i just want it so much .
For almost 5 years now everything i have done has been about my children , i gave up my life and every little thing that makes me me . Now they are getting older and i found something i could do when they were sleeping . Does it make me such a horrid person that i don’t want to give it up?
It is definitely not horrid that you want to keep it up. It’s for your future, the kids’ future.
I have been in your shoes, so I do know how awful it feels. You can’t even get to sleep at night you’re so worried about it all. I really hope that Tax Credits manage to sort out your finances asap, then hopefully you can carry on what you’re doing and get back on an even keel. xx
No it does NOT make you a horrid person. It makes you very normal and very human. We’re not in the same situation, but I know how you feel. There is always the chance we’ll have another baby, and I don’t want to have to give up school for that if it happens. Is that selfish? Maybe.. but it’s also normal. As hard as it is for me to be in school and try to make everything work with the kids and finances and house and so on, it’s worth it. I’ve found that I am a better mom, friend, wife, and person because I have something that is mine and that I love even though sometimes it’s really hard and frustrating. I never thought I was a bad mom before, and I still don’t think I was, but I do think that I’m an even better mom now.
If I were you I would really consider if you can make it work for you to stay in school if it means that much to you. If you have to make a small, but not so important, sacrifice to make it work, is it worth it to you? Are you a better mom/wife/woman/friend because of this thing you have that is yours and done only for you?
Whatever you decide to ultimately do, just remember you are not a horrid person for not wanting to give up the one thing that is just yours.
I’m so sorry that you’re having a rough time. Hopefully the tax credits will be reinstated soon and you won’t have to feel horrid for doing something for yourself. Does your school do some sort of scholarship?
Laura, don’t give up.
I have been exactly where you are. I’m not just saying that.
Please try not to give up on your course. It obviously means SO much to you, the same way mine does to me. My course costs me about AUD$100 a month (which is about 50 quid so. Our funds are ridiculously tight every month too. My husband does not pay a cent toward my course for me, and so far I have raised all the funds through blogging related internet income. He even goes so far as to complain that I don’t put my blogging income toward the family expenses seeing as money is so scarce right now. I just made up my mind, that I contribute to the family in constantly being there for the kids (a job which is unpaid) never mind all the cooking/cleaning etc. As a woman, we are programmed to believe that we HAVE to do all this. BULLSHIT. Yes, we love our children dearly, but we are SO GUILTY of not allowing ourselves to care about US for a change. My course, is changing my life, and opening HUNDREDS of new doors for me, and all of this will ultimately benefit my family, even if right now, my husband may think it’s selfish. He can keep thinking it for all I care, because I know I am thinking long term. Sometimes you just need to be a stubborn old mule with a man, because they will eventually see the benefits later.
As for the wondering how you’re going to buy food next week – believe me, I have SO been there. More recently than I would care to admit! Look around the house, and see if there is anything unused that you can sell off. I dug through our garage, and found and old tent and sleeping bags, a fan we never use, my old laminator that was just gathering dust, and I went and sold it to a local second hand shop, every little bit helps. If you don’t have spare stuff to sell (even old toys and clothes will fetch a price) then trim the food budget down to nothing – you will be surprised how adaptable kids are,they don’t even notice when money gets tight. If you have to eat pasta, or rice with a bit of tomato sauce and the odd veggie thrown in, then do it for the week.
Everyone struggles when their kids are little. Don’t sweat it, and DO NOT GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS OKAY!!????
You are not horrid! I think it’s great to have something for you. I think you should try as hard as you can to keep going, you will be thankful later.