Synchronization of Us

This to me is what love it all about

I am not saying i don’t love my husband , i pretty much worship the guy and plan to spend the rest of my life feeling that way but what can compare to the love of your children.

How it feels when they are in my arms , how it feels to kiss and laugh with them.

How amazing it is every day and every moment around them , how blessed i am just to be part of there lives .

How it feels just to know that no matter what happens in the future i have known these amazing people , i have had the privilege of watching them grown and become …

Remember this post?

I am not sure what i was expecting at that point , i certainly was not expecting Rebecca to actually sleep all night in the bed alone …and on that point i have not been proved wrong .

On all other points i HAVE been wrong , the transition has been amazing and tonight for the 3rd night in the row my biggest little girl has put herself to sleep . For someone who has been rocked to sleep about 99% of the nights since she was born this is a big thing.

Our new night time routine goes something like this

- As before dinner/clean/bath/pjs etc..
- All 3 kids and i pile on to Eilidh’s bed for bedtime stories , i love this part . Something so cozy on the bottom bunk , we start by talking about what ever happened in school that day . We may read books or just make up stories , the girls get to decide (Ru sometimes joins in and sometimes plays around the room ) . Before it use to be read Eilidh a quick story while Rebecca and Ruaridh moaned .
- The girls climb into there own beds and go to sleep while i take Ru to my bedroom and feed him to sleep . Ok it is not as simple as that and to get Rebecca into her bed we talk about how i have to get Ru to sleep and when he is sleeping if she is still awake then she can come and snuggle us . Most nights i have to go and tell the girls to behave , what does it say about me that i find that cute?
Before after Eilidh went down i would feed Ru while Rebecca watched at least 2 episodes of her current faviroute show (Wow Wow Wubzy just now) then i would still have to do her bedtime stories and lie with her while she went to sleep . This could easily take an hour or so .

Guess what i am saying as not only is the new bedtime routine easier and quicker but it is less stressful and more fun for all of us .

So far the longest she is went in the bed is 5 hours before coming in with us , we have no concern with this at the moment . We are just so proud that she is sleeping at all in them.

Another little bonus has came from the bunk beds , do you realise just how much fun they can be to play on? But it is not just the bunk beds with its wonderful height and climbing ability (Ru loves to climb over the bottom headstand using a toy for leverage then shimmy out the bottom ladder ) but for some strange reason it has transformed the whole room into a play room . All 3 children are spending more time playing in there , choosing to take toys from else where and play in there . If seems for the first time that the kids room is really becoming a typical children’s bedroom and not just a room a few of them sleep in.

They really do love there new bed.

Yesterday i was feeling pretty miserable , one of these days you know? When a little parcel of joy containing bar after bar of chocolate arrived.

I had agreed to partake in a taste test for Green & Black’s organic chocolate a few weeks back and completely forgotten about it.

Green & Black’s make and sell premium organic chocolate. They use fine organic ingredients that are ethically sourced. This perfect balance between taste and principles is what they stand for and why they pay a premium for all the ingredients. They have recently announced that there products with also be fairtrade which is great for them and the cocoa farmers they support.

Before this package arrived i am not sure i had tasted any of Green & Black’s products , i looked at them as expensive and thought they only sold dark chocolate which i am not a fan off. Did you know they sold a whole range of bars? I did not and was pleasantly surprised how yummy they were . While at first i thought around £2.00 for one 100g bar of Chocolate was expensive , i now realise that with one bar i could provide a treat for my whole family (plus my sister and niece) and feel good about it due the ingredients used. Of course what really matters is how they taste so should we get on with that.

I will be judging the chocolate on appearance, smell , taste and after taste . I also shared the chocolate yesterday with the children and my sister who had some comments of there own to add.

White Chocolate
I am afraid i will not be able to give a proper review for this one, it was so popular that it was gone before i could grab any more than a square. The children declared it yummy and that it tasted just like Milkybars , which is funny as both my sister and i found it tasted nothing like milky bars (which was a good thing we felt) but was a interesting,creamy treat. If i was to find this in a shop i would be very likely to buy it and share amongst is all as a treat.

Creamy Milk Chocolate . Smooth and creamy , contains 32% Cocoa
Appearance - Light , looks just like any other chocolate you would buy in the shops (Dairy milk etc..)
Smell - Almost unpleasant , i would not want to eat it based on smell . Smells to much like dark chocolate for me
Taste - Lovely , it is rich (but not to much so) and very creamy . It melts in your mouth and i could easily eat the whole bar.
After-taste - Sweet , creamy .
What the rest say - All the children declared the liked it , my sister thought it was one of the best and gave it a 4/5 .

Milk Chocolate Made with more cocoa for a richer taste . Contains 34% Cocoa
Appearance - Slightly darker that the Creamy bar but still looks appetising and tasty.
Smell - Again i found it unpleasant , i imagine it is the Cocoa i can smell strongly.
Taste - Not to sure , it is creamy but not to sweet . Pleasant at first but i find it also a little bitter
After-taste - The after taste turns me off , very bitter and strange.
What the rest say -Courtney said it was both good and bad , she hated the after taste so would not take any more. Eilidh said she liked it but Rebecca spat it out . My sister said it was disgusting and gave it a 0/5

Butterscotch Milk chocolate with crunchy toffee pieces . Contains 34% Cocoa
Appearance - Looks just the milk chocolate , inside you can see the little candied pieces of toffee .
Smell - Strangly it smelled just like i imagined the milk chocolate would . Which means it smells lovely.
Taste - Nothing bad to say about this at all , chocolate perfect creaminess and the toffee is crunchy and sweet . Perfect
After-taste - Very very slight bitter taste left but nothing to complain about ,just leaves me wanting more.
What the rest say -All the children liked it , Courtney said it was the best of them all and my sister gave it a 4/5

Almond Milk Chocolate made with whole roasted almonds . Contains 37% Cocoa
Appearance - Darker , can see big nuts inside.
Smell - Pleasant and nutty .
Taste - I go either ways on this one , the chocolate is getting to bitter for my liking but i really do like the almonds in it. I think the balance between the two does work and find it a nice treat.
After-taste - Nice nutty flavour .
What the rest say - Courtney was horrified at the taste , but my kids all seemed to like it . My sister hated it and gave it a 0/5 but admits she does not like anything nuts in it .

Cherry Dark Chocolate with whole cherries . Contains 60% Cocoa
Appearance - Dark , nice big cherries in the middle .
Smell - Don’t like it , all i can smell is the Cocoa
Taste - I want to be a fan , i love cherries in food but i just found the chocolate way to bitter . I have been picking out the berries and eating them though .
After-taste - Bitter ,not nice
What the rest say - No one else would try it

Dark 85% Very Dark Chocolate . Contains 85% Cocoa
Appearance - Very dark brown , smooth but looks good
Smell - Don’t like it , all i can smell is the Cocoa
Taste - The texture of this was pleasant but the taste was very unpleasant to me , very bitter and not something i would eat again.
After-taste - Bitter ,not nice. Needed to eat something else straight away.
What the rest say - No one else would try it

So there you go , i admit the reviews of the later bars were a little unfair as i don’t like dark chocolate so very little was going to make me like those bars. I LOVED the butterscotch and creamy milk , although right now i have had enough chocolate to keep me happy for the week .

Lately i have been feeling guilty , i feel that my children are growing up way to fast and i am missing it .Between nursery and house work i am getting to spend zero time with them. Then in a blinding flash the reason behind this came to me.

Our morning routine goes something like this.

Up around 7ish , switch computer on and get Ru and give him milk on the computer.
Ru finishes and make toast for everyone , kids eat in living room while i eat on computer. Make my tea last forever so i can spend more time on the computer.
Finally move sometime after 8 and start cleaning. Put washing load on , then sit and play computer , put clean clothes away then sit and play computer. Clean kids room then sit and play computer . Give kids breakfast and while they are eating sit and chill by playing the computer. Do bathroom and our bedroom with of course a go on the computer. Get annoyed at kids for bugging me by asking for more cereal then take another break .

Do i need to go? Does anyone see a disturbing trend? It seemed every time i done something i would stop and go on the computer , not for long maybe only 5-10 minutes each time but they add up to a couple of hours easy . But selfishly when the children come to me to do something i tell them i don’t have time as i have to much cleaning to do.

FAIL

I have no idea why it took me so long to realise what my problem was , i am spending my children’s youth on a stupid machine . I am so angry at myself for letting it get this way , what is important here ? I am completely addicted to this bunch of wires and chips and it is my kids that suffer.

From today things are changing , no i am not planning on doing anything drastic . I have plenty of kids free time to spend on the computer , right now for example the girls are at nursery and Ru is napping so i have 2 whole hours on it. I have plenty of hours in the evening to spend online also .

This morning , we got up as normal and i had breakfast on the computer and enjoyed my cup of tea. This is my wake up routine and much needed. Then i got off the computer at 8am and shut it down , yes i said i SHUT IT DOWN . If it was not on i would not be so tempted to just check email/ facebook/twitter /play a game whatever . Less than 2 hours later all the housework was done and it was only 10am . As the computer was still off , rather that go play the computer i played with my children . We played games , we had a long conversation planning Rebecca’s birthday trip to the zoo (she wants this rather than a party , fine with me) . All 4 of us had a great time , then after lunch (when i did switch the computer back on , i like to eat in piece ok ? ) we got ready for nursery and played with bubbles for a while. As we were nice and early i let Ru walk up with us .

We were all more relaxed , i can really relax guilt free this afternoon with a smile on my face. Now i am keeping this basic rule , no computer in the morning. Its simple and will make a big difference to my family.

On a completely different note, Rebecca was at yorkhill yesterday for her yearly check up . They are happy with her , breathing and weight gain is great (she is now 36lbs 1oz and 107cm tall) . He did seem a little disappointed in her voice , saying it was very quite and hoarse but there is nothing that can be done about it . Back next year and unless something major happens between now and then it will be her last appointment.

I am a little late with this , i tend to get tagged and never get around to actually finishing the meme but this was i just love. I was tagged by the lovely Diney over at Older Mums are Fun for this , basically you have to blog you favourite photo - that is ONE photo only .In this age of digital cameras it is sure not an easy task but straight away i knew which photo i would choose.

Looking at the photo it is not easy to tell why it is the favourite , to understand you really have to know the hell we had all been through the month before hand.
Most of you know that Rebecca took ill that summer, she spent weeks on a ventilator and needed major surgery . When the time came for her to get of the vent we were thrilled , finally we would be getting out daughter back . Only it was not like that , she came of the vent a different person. The drugs keeping her alive and sedated had caused havoc with her system , she was addicted and had to go through a horrible period of withdrawal . She was not the girl who a month before had been happy and playful , she was miserable and hyper and prone to screaming nasty fits and hallucinations . She did not sleep or eat for days . After everything this was horrible to deal with , we were so excited to be getting her back and instead we got a stranger . The drugs left her system and we were still left with a scared and confused little girl . She was weak , unable to walk or crawl and seemed very removed from reality . Then came this magical day , my parents came to visit with my sister, niece and Eilidh . They went for lunch in the hospital canteen and we were allowed to bring Rebecca down to see them , afterwards we all went to the ward and the children’s play area. As the day went on for the first time in many weeks we seen REBECCA come back , she interacted and played with her cousin and sister - crawling around and standing up . She smiled and laughed and she was once again our daughter. This picture to me just reminds me of how we all felt at this moment, although she looks tired and so small she also looks happy. I remember in this moment realising for the first times things were going to be ok.

I know the meme says one picture only but i just have to share my runner up . Again i did not have to think which picture as i just love it , i have shared it a few times before . It always makes me laugh.

It is Eilidh only a few minutes old , the expression on her face just cracks me up . How unimpressed does she look to be here?

I am sure most people have been tagged already , i am thinking it has mostly been a UK blogger meme so will try tagging a few people in the US. All the women take many ,many wonderful pictures so i know they will have a wonderful one to share.

Collean at A Madison Mum ,
Courtney at Chaos Is us
Teresa at Clifton Clan
Christina at Momology
and lastly Lisanna at Lisanne’s Blog

My pro Flickr account is up for renewal , it has been bugging me for a while - not only is McIntyregirls no longer completely true but it is a mess. I wanted to start a fresh , uploading pictures AND videos in a nice logical order. So now it is down and we are now McIntyre family . In the process of uploading backlog of pictures so will changes links and that are some point soon .

I love looking through the old pics though , so much freaking fun. Was Rebecca really that tiny and cute? My favourites though are the videos , why is there not more of these? Wanted to share a few of my favourites from 2005 .

(June 2005 , In the hospital)

(Just because i love little Courtney , she was not even 3 yet here )

(First time in the door swing, for some reason the only door it fitted on was the bathroom door and yes the cat decided to go and poop just before we took the video lol)

(Rolling over)

(First ever taste of solid food at exactly 6 months old)

Just realised it has been a week since my last post, what the heck is up with that? I know i sat and planned to blog at least a dozen times but guess i just never got around to it.

Oh well how is everyone?

Now for some reason we decided to upset the happy balance of sleeping around our house , Rebecca in our bed and Ru and Eils in the other room . This works for the most part and our plan was to wait till we moved and finally attempt to get Rebecca into her own bed.  I visited a friend last week who had her daughters in bunk beds and i happened to mention this to my mum on the phone , explaining how it would never work for us . Craig over heard and LOVED the idea …i am pretty sure we had discussed and vetoed the idea before but he does not remember having such a conversation.

So we talked about it , we talked to our family about it . We talked to the girls about it and for the most part all agreed it was a good idea. Saturday we made the trip out to look at some and found the perfect set for a great price. The girls got to climb and play in them , they both wanted to take them home .We bought them , there and then . Paid and we are getting them tomorrow.

Rebecca is excited , she says she cannot wait to sleep up high and promises to sleep herself . She has asked if it is ok that she takes Po with her (tellytubby toy that she likes when she is needing something to comfort her) and if she was allowed to get out her bed when she needed the toilet.

All sounds so promising…

Why am i so sure it will never work ?

Rebecca in 4 years and 7 months has put herself to sleep maybe a handful of times (not including falling asleep in car/prams) , most nights she has to snuggle up with Craig or i and get her arm or back tickled . This process of getting her to sleep can easily take a while . It is very common for Ru to wake up while i am getting her to sleep and for the boy to scream while she goes over.

So there is the option of getting her to sleep in another room but how to get her into the top bunk ? Or the option of getting her to sleep in her bed but what about when Ru wakes up . Then you have the kids waking each other at night , Eils is a heavier sleeper and can sleep through Ru’s noise whereas Rebecca wakes up from the other room. Then there is Eilidh waking up and disturbing Ru , Rebecca can easily wake a dozen or so times in the evening crying and each time that could be disturbing Ru.

Maybe it is me being selfish but after 16 months of sleep hell we are finally getting to the point where i am happy with my sleep and just cannot face buggering it up again.

We are not going to push it , at least i hope we are not . We will not expect Rebecca to sleep all night in her bed , would never expect that of her so young . She will always be welcome in our bed . Even if she refuses to sleep in the bed full stop then at least it will be there for when (if?) she changes her mind .

I am not sure i am ready for this chapter of my life to be over

Saturday during the day i felt fine, early evening i was fine. The kids were all in bed and the evening was stretching ahead of us , i was tired and planned to watch some tv and chill out. Out of no where my right breast starting hurting , i sat down then within minutes my whole body joined in. I was freezing but burning up , my head ready to explode and the slightest movement hurt.

I posted a message on twitter “help , right breast sore and flu like symptoms ” . Within minutes i had dozen’s of replies both on twitter and facebook. With one easy tweet i had reached friends, strangers ,breastfeeding councillors and mothers .All offering helpful advice to deal with the situation, everyone seemed to agree that it was the dreaded Mastitis . I spent the weekend following the lovely advice given to me - feeding lots , massaging , expressing , compresses and i am pleased to say that today apart from a slight tender breast and sore head (which may be more related to given up sugar and caffeine ) i am as good as new.

As a mother i feel so blessed to live in a world where this is possible , without leaving the couch in my living room i was able to gather so much advice . Even those who could not offer advice helped with a “feel better soon” , i felt like i had spoke with a dozen close friends who had hugged me and made me better.

I have never appreciated social networking sites so much before. So if you were one of those who helped me Saturday night THANK YOU. You turned a miserable experience into something i will always remember

Yes i am angry , very angry. I feel the world has throwing this my way and i don’t know how to handle it.

It is not fair you know , i mean the girls i understand and can cope with but not my boy. He is my last , my final and he is meant to be the baby forever. Every day he is changing and getting bigger and i DON’T like it. Infact i find myself crying over it at least once a day.

Every day seems to be taken him away from me , he is getting bigger and in the last few weeks gained such a huge level of comprehension and understanding . I watch him join in with the girls and there games , i laugh when he makes a mess then goes and grabs the brush and (tries) to clean it up. I sat back in amazement when i was able to reason with him regarding a nappy change .

He is my little firecracker , always on the go and up to something. Destroy, Break and climb seems to be his moto . And that temper ,what am i going to do about that? The striking out and the violence is horrible. He will physically attack the girls or throw objects around if he does not get his way.

I don’t want him to grow up , i don’t want to not have a baby/toddler in my life. How will i be when he stops breastfeeding? When he moves out of nappies or into a cot?
How do people deal with knowing they will never have another child? I sometimes get so angry that the chance has been taken away from me , i am a good mother darn it . I love my family and feel another child (or 2 or 3 lol) would make it complete.

Im in a funk. A January blogging,life and everything else funk .Post holiday come down i guess.

Been fighting with a stomach bug since Christmas eve, it seems to come and go. I have spent the last week feeling sick for a good part of the day and night , food is just unappealing and my appetite is mostly gone (which is not me) . It will make the diet that im starting Monday easier if it stays like this though. And because i know someone is thinking it, i am not pregnant. I would love to be but it is not possible these days.

Eilidh started nursery with her sister Wednesday and as to be expected she had a great time. Ru seems to take nice long naps when no one else is home which means i actually have around 2 hours to myself during the day. It is amazing how much studying i can get done then . Talking of studying i finally submitted my application for university. Wish me luck.

Hubby did decide to drop a bombshell on me yesterday, his boss has asked him to work in France for 12 weeks. He said he could break it down into 3/4 week chunks , they will cover accommodation and travel . I understand he needs to go and how good it will be for his career but on the other hand cannot bear to be apart from him that long, the children will be broken hearted. His boss did mention that the children and i go one of the times which would be lovely but it depends on where Craig ends up staying. If it does not have room for us then that option would be out. Should find out more details in Monday.

Now it is Saturday night and i am going to try and get a bath before spending some snuggle time with hubby. Hope everyone is having a fun night